Five Common Soccer Parent Mistakes

Parents are vitally important to the development of their children as soccer players.  The right parental support is key to player success. Sadly, parents often make critical mistakes that actually negatively impact player development.  A single misstep by a well-intentioned parent in the club/travel soccer world could have long term negative consequences for their player and team. 

***Disclaimer*** As a parent and coach of two youth athletes, I have made many mistakes. (some of them are on this list).  Even after many years, I continue to try my best to be a better soccer parent.

Soccer Parent Mistake #1 – Wanting it more than the Player

There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting your child to succeed and setting high expectations for them. Expectations and accountability for your player are good things and most players are receptive. However, it is a mistake for a parent to live out their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams through their player.  Parents reliving their childhood will invariably result in disappointment.  

Setting extremely high goals, like earning a college scholarship, playing professionally, or even getting on a top tier club team must be the goals of the player.  If reaching these goals requires constant motivation by the parent, the goals may not be those of the player.  When players are young, it is difficult to balance the parental involvement required to support them. The players don’t know what they need to reach their potential. Parents managing the player is key.  Parents must keep young players engaged. Parental engagement ensures that when the player is older and has the motivation and abilities to achieve these goals, they are in a position to do so. Parental engagement at young ages ensures base level skills, physical ability, and mental faculties that are needed later.  

Regardless of player age, parents have the responsibility to set the conditions that allow their children to succeed.  How those conditions differ by age, circumstance, and the player. Setting clear expectations and achievable long-term milestones, while creating short-term goals is the best way to set conditions for success.

Motivating players is a very individualist enterprise.  

As parents, we see great potential in our children and we want to unlock it, for their own good.  Unlocking this potential is difficult. Common ineffective parental strategies include; comparisons to other athletes on the team, bribes, threats of withdrawing support, or pushing too hard. Self-motivation is far and away the very best motivation. Often the second best motivation comes from a teammate, coach, trainer, other authority figure. These individuals will often have better luck motivating your player than you.

Soccer Parent Mistake #2 – Debriefing the Game 

Parents and players often experience very different emotions when a game is over.  Most parents want to talk about the game (good or bad) and most players don’t.  My instinct is to break the game down immediately and discuss it.  My players have generally not been interested in a debrief immediately after the game.  Unfortunately, my older player suffered through a number of post-game debriefs that I thought were helpful. For her it was the very worst part of her soccer experience.  I have tried to change the pattern with my younger daughter. Today, when we talk about the game, we talk about what she wants, when she wants to talk about it.

You can rest assured that if your player did something wrong during the game, they know it.  Even if they didn’t know it at the time, their coach or another teammate has likely already explained to them what the issue is.  If you believe that they really don’t know what they did wrong and you want to get it fixed, think about talking with the coach or a trainer about the issue.  Getting the coach to weave a solution into a future practice plan or the trainer to cover it during training will likely correct an issue much quicker than your debrief.

Be Positive

Being positive and letting them know you enjoyed watching them play is likely the best thing you can do. If they start a post-game discussion, engaging them on their terms will likely be very productive. Try not to just point out mistakes; they are kids.  Good armchair quarterbacks can dissect professional athletes in their play, so kids don’t stand a chance if you are looking for perfection. 

Soccer Parent Mistake #3 – Communicating with your Player

We are constantly communicating with our children as they play sports.  Often players feel as if the communication is one way; transmitting only to them.  For communication to be effective, there must be a back and forth between the parent and the player. This may be atypical for many in the normal parent/child relationship; but give and take communication is important to keep your athlete on track.  

Letting the player lead the conversation allows you to understand the motivations, goals, thoughts and desires of your player.  If you understand these things, then you are in the best possible position to support your player going forward. It is important that kids make mistakes, they need to learn and that only comes from trying.  Young players that have a fear of failure, will never reach their true potential.  

Positive Communication

Most youth want the approval of their parents, coach, and teammates.  Teaching kids to play with courage, vice a fear of making a mistake, will serve them much better in their development.  Communicating your support and encouragement for their effort and bravery in trying to make the right decision is the support they need. For example, praising the decision-making to go 1 v 1 versus passing or attempting to change the field, even if not successful, is very worthwhile.

Teach them to try different things and not be afraid of making mistakes.  Engaging the player in discussions about what they are learning or trying to master at practice or in training sessions is more helpful than critiquing them. Help them set challenging goals; goals that they want to achieve. Then support their development and achievement of those goals.  

Accidental Communications

Often parents discuss players amongst themselves, not realizing that other parents, players, siblings, coaches, etc. may overhear these conversations.  The content of these conversations often gets back to the player and may have an unintended impact on the player. Do your best to avoid this type of communication.

Additionally, be aware of nonverbal communication with your player.  Body language often says more to your player than any words you may speak. The use of hands can say a lot, animation in how you react to adverse situations, and posture all signal how you really feel to your child.  

Soccer Parent Mistake #4 – Sideline Behavior 

Everyone has seen that parent, many have been that parent, but no one wants to be that parent.  As a parent and fan of the game, poor sideline behavior should be the easiest thing to avoid, but it can be tough. Many parents forget that they are parents, instead becoming “fans” of the game and losing perspective in the moment.  It is understandable, as the time, energy and financial commitment to club sports is heavy and the sport is such a large part of the identity of the family. As parents, we are the example for our children and need to do our best to set the right example.

At its worst there are serious acts of violence. There is violence between parents, violence directed at coaches and officials, and at times even directed at players on the field.  This behavior is completely unacceptable and everyone knows it, but it happens every season without fail.  I recall a U-16 girls game where the players were screaming and pleading with their parents to stop fighting with the parents from the other team.  That is just not fun for the kids and as parents, we have a responsibility to deescalate that sort of behavior and set good examples for the players.  Luckily, this type of extreme behavior is the exception.

Parental Coaching from the Sideline is not Helpful

The more common behavior from parents, some very well intentioned, is to coach from the sidelines. Almost every parent is guilty of screaming “shoot it” or “pass it” at some point during their child’s soccer career. Sometimes you are just in the flow of the game and yelling out what you would be doing during that situation.  Some parents are struggling with that transition from being a coach to a spectator and are so used to “coaching” that they can’t help it. Other parents just don’t know any better. No matter the reason, coaching by parents typically causes confusion for the player. Parental coaching rarely has the desired effect.

The best thing that parents can do is to just cheer on your player with words of positive encouragement. Try to stay away from detailed instruction.  Generic comments and positive general cheering is the best.  Keep in mind, most children do not like to be singled out by their parents. Being singled out during games, either positively or negatively is often very unwelcome.  Most suggest avoiding direct communication to any player during the game. Even simple cheers that appear positive such as, “you can do it” may be interpreted by the player as meaning that they are not trying hard enough.  It is best to leave the coaching to the coach and just relax and enjoy the game.  

I still bring suckers to the games I am not coaching in an effort to remain quiet.

Soccer Parent Mistake #5 – Not Being in Tune with the Team

Committing to a club soccer team is an entire family affair. Unfortunately the decision to join a team often only takes into account the individual player’s performance at a few tryout sessions.  Sometimes the player has the skill and/or athletic ability to join the team, but the “overall” fit of the player, parents, coach, and teammates takes more time to discover than tryouts allow.  Parents and coaches both need to do their due diligence during the tryout and recruitment process to make sure that all parties are compatible.  

Relationship with the Coach

As a parent you must trust your player’s coach.  Relationships without trust are doomed to fail. To establish that trust, you have to be familiar with the coach to ensure that the coach has the expertise and personality to help your player grow and be a positive influence on your player. Early in the relationship engage in positive communication with the coach to establish familiarity and understand how the coach sees soccer, the team, and importantly your player.  This foundation, set early in the relationship, facilitates positive communication later, if you ever have difficult situations.

If you can trust the coach, the soccer experience becomes much easier to manage and long-term relationships are possible.  Most importantly, trust will ensure that you are not second guessing team decisions or trying to coach yourself.  Trust allows you to sit back, relax, and just be a parent. If you trust the coach and have confidence in their abilities, that translates to your player.

Trust in your Player

Trust in the coach sets the conditions for your player to take ownership of their game and develop as a player.  At a certain age, which seems to be getting younger and younger, players need to be able to communicate with their coach about their game.  Good rarely comes from a parent approaching a coach about playing time, positioning, or support to their player from other players. A player communicating these issues to the coach is met with a completely different reaction.  Remember, if the player is not frustrated by the issue, it may not be an issue. Success comes down to the player’s effort, coachability, teamwork, and abilities.  If you ask the most players about their parents talking with the coach, they don’t want their parents involved.  The player needs to fight their own battles.  

Obviously if there are safety, legal or moral issues at play, then parents have an obligation to step in.

Fit with the Team

All youth sports teams have identities.  The identity of the team is composed of the attitudes and personalities of the Coach, Players, Club, and Parents.  Some teams are laid back, some are hyper intense, some have not fully committed to an identity, and many are ever-evolving. If you are looking for an intense group dedicated to moving up a competitive tier each year, a team filled with families that are just looking to be competitive at their current level and keeping the team together is likely not a good fit.  Finding the right fit will allow for a long term relationship. The wrong fit will be demonstrated quickly and will end the relationship quickly as well. 

Team fit may also fluctuate depending on where you and your player are in your individual/family cycle.  Many athletes have interest in multiple sports, which may conflict with certain club or coach philosophies.  Often athletic and skill are a fit, but the ability to commit may not.  Being aware and honest about what you and your player are looking for is vital. This awareness and honesty is the first step to evaluating the fit. 

Conclusion

Youth soccer is a journey, not a destination. Players generally play because they want to have fun, love the game, and like the social aspect of being on a team.  Parents often have very different reasons for wanting their children to play competitive sports, hopefully as time goes by those reasons for playing align.  As you think through your child’s youth sport career, cherish it.  It goes quickly.  The goal should be too look back on the time you and your player spent together with fond memories. Staying away from these common soccer parent mistakes, will help make the journey a fulfilling one.

Please check out our Youth Soccer Manager’s Handbook here.

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